Dear Jessalee,

Boo!

In honor of the fact that I have stolen your "big ----ing Dog" story and told it a thousand times to anyone who will listen, I dedicate this story to you.  Maybe you can use it as a long form monologue...although, I guess that would defeat the purpose of improv.  Anyway, without further ado:  Bali.

Bali.  The magical and idyllic island somewhere between paradise and heaven.  For 24 years, I have equated Bali with places like Zanzibar, Fiji and Tahiti.  Just the word alone conjures up images of lazy white sand beaches, dense tropical forests, a rich and unique cultural heritage, and maybe even a few beverages of the fruity, frosty, pineapple-on-the-rim variety.  But today (and I am going to go out on a limb here and extend that to eternity) the word Bali has taken on a new connotation for me.  And that connotation is: 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAKAKAKKAKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Perhaps I should explain.  One of my new favorite activities is motorbiking.  It is an excellent way to get to know a new place and have a little freedom while doing it.  After arriving in Bali on a very slow, very uncomfortable version of a Bainbridge ferry, Emily, Justin and I headed up to the less-visited north coast of the island.  The next evening, we decided to rent a couple of motorbikes just to get a good idea of the surroundings.  (And also to get a little wind in our faces after a sweltering day).  So there I am, cruising down backroads on BALI on a motorbike...livin' the dream.  Justin and Emily are just ahead of me, and as they swerve a little right, in my headlight I catch sight of this huge (and I mean HUGE) snake in the middle of the road.  Now you may be thinking:  Ah-ha!  hence the AAAAAK(etc.).  False.  The snake was huge, but it did little more than give us a temporary thrill as we continued up the hill in search of a possible vantage  point of the ocean. 

 

At a fork in the road, we took off our helmets for a short stop during which we visited a spooky Balinese temple and discussed our slithering friend at length.  After a few minutes, I slipped back on my helmet and we took off down the road.  (For those of you who love details: we took the right fork).

Now I must entreat you to step inside a split-second of my life.  Imagine if you will, the sound of the simple flutter of a moth's wings.  Have you got it?  It's really just a soft whooshing...isn't it?  Now, and please stick with me here, imagine the sound of that same moth FLYING INTO YOUR EAR, CRAWLING DOWN YOUR EAR CANAL AND BURROWING INTO YOUR BRAIN!!!!  Because THAT is what happened to me on my picturesque back-country joyride on the hills of beautiful Bali.  (minus the whole burrowing into my brain part).

Jamming the breaks, I ripped the helmet from my head and proceeded to go insane.  Because here is the thing: the moth is so far in my ear that not even my pinky can feel it.  But, oh no, don't be fooled, I can feel it.  I can feel it from the inside...and it is STILL FLUTTERING.  So, yeah, I started going insane...thrashing my head around and honking my horn to signal Emily and Justin.  It is pitch black.  I am in the middle of nowhere (there are snakes here remember) and a mystery-bug is playing the bongos on my eardrum.  Stop me if I am over-reacting.  I dare you.

Justin and Emily return, and upon my request, Emily commandeers my bike and they drive me back down to our hotel.  Lots of people have ideas about how to remove the bug.  A friendly Balinese man and his wife suggest a Q-tip, which is a great idea....if I want to shove the bug further down into my ear canal.  The owner of our hotel suggests the phrase: "Oh Shit!"  Thanks, dude.  Much appreciated.  But it is Emily who finally locates the white abdomen of the moth deep down in my ear, and it is Justin who picks up a pair of tweezers to start going to town on my ear operation: milton-bradley style.  

First attempt:  Ear wax, and the bug digs down.  Second attempt:  more earwax (I should really do something about that) and the bug digs down.  Third attempt....moth.  A moth.  And not just any moth. A disgusting, white-abdomened, ear-attacking, hari-kari moth from Balinese hell.  And then here is the kicker:  Justin lets go of the tweezers...and the moth flies away. 

Here I've been, checking my bags at every airport and border crossing just to make sure nobody has pulled a Brokedown Palace on me...and I forgot the number 2 scariest thing about that movie....the bug-in-the-ear crazy spells.  Kate Beckinsale...I hear you.  A+ for that acting.

 

  

So there you have it Jessalee. And I've even added in pictures because I know you don't like wordy posts.  And maybe, someday, I will look back at these pictures and remember the rest of my incredible stay on Bali.  But my guess is: probably not.